|I found it hard, it's hard to find. Oh well, whatever, nevermind.
||[Sep. 27th, 2011|03:27 am]
|||||Lifehouse - Everything||]|
I think if I had a working laptop I would post in here more often.
I have a habit. Or at least, a history, of proclaiming my love for another person. Shortly thereafter, the feelings that I perceived as my "in love" feelings dissipate (as in, a month or so). Just last night I ended a relationship with a great guy. He was good to me, he's a great person, and he deserves a great girl. I said, "I love you" first. Although, in my mind, I only said it because I already knew that he loved me - he was just putting it off. It took him a few weeks after I said it for him to admit it out loud. And then the one month timer ticked down.
Next thing, I've wormed myself into an "I love you" - "I love you, too" relationship; while no longer meaning the words I say. A situation I got myself into, because I started it. Maybe I should call Love Line.
I still harbor feelings for my ex, however terribly he treated me. The one I just broke up with had assumed I was over him by now. I don't know. I'd like to be. But I cannot control the way I feel about him. If he would have left me alone and moved on with his life as I told him repeatedly in emails to do, I would be okay. But he owes me 500 dollars still, and insisted that we meet in person before he would pay me back. We met. He kissed me. Even though I'm not trying to get back together with him, it still refreshed all the gaga emotions I had over him. I was more in love with my ex (who lied, cheated, etc.) than I ever was with my current. That is not a person who should be in a relationship.
I don't know if I'll ever get married. I don't know if I'll ever have children. I would like to. And I feel too young to be worrying about such things. But I do feel like I am damaged goods;
I do think I'm awesome. I'm a catch. Yet I'm also damaged goods.